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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975960">the war is over (and we are beginning)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinjaAtticus/pseuds/NinjaAtticus'>NinjaAtticus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blaseball (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Found family bby, Identity Crises, Identity Issues, Time Travel, lot of parker bonding for maximum best friend, this is my absolutely biggest brain idea i'm so smart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:20:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975960</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinjaAtticus/pseuds/NinjaAtticus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Parker IIII doesn't expect to survive the percolation (barely). </p><p>And Parker III certainly doesn't expect to survive being incinerated (barely).</p><p>Nor do they expect to find each other, become best friends and maybe invent time travel but life is what you make of it.</p><p> </p><p>e.g what if Parker 3 and 4 survived and became Liquid Friend and Uncle Plasma</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Parker Macmillan III &amp; Parker Macmillan IIII</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>my brain is so big welcome to my parker survives conspiracy fic, shout out to whoever compared Parker 4 to Liquid Friend on the discord this is your fault. Once again I wrote this at an ungodly time of night but enjoy anyway lol!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last thing Parker remembers is the light. Bright and shining, searing into his eyeballs like a burn. He knows he shouted as he dropped the coffee cup he had been drinking from, reaching out desperately to his team, to the fans watching in horror.</p><p> </p><p>“Best friends whats ha-” Was all he'd managed to scream out before it had all gone white. Then there had been the percolation. He didn’t remember much about that. Only that it had hurt so much that it had stopped hurting altogether, that he had seen the colours of the universe stretch out and unravel before his eyes and then squeeze back together, that he could no longer feel his body. He had thought… this is what death feels like. It had been a  comforting thought, after the pain. Until he started to think about the loneliness. Parker hadn’t been built for that. You can’t do a great job if you’re dead and you definitely can’t be anyone’s best friend. Parker thinks about that as the dark claims him.</p><p> </p><p>And then-</p><p> </p><p>“Hey kid?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s still dark but he’s aware of it now. Some last tendrils of consciousness blink awake. Parker will never be sure of what saved him. The universe, the aliens, some twist of fate, maybe even that last coffee he had drunk. He doesn’t think he cares.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Parker replies before he’s even sure that he can speak but he goes through the motions and sound comes out all the same. His voice doesn’t sound any different at least.</p><p> </p><p>A hand touches him and Parker can feel it go through him like he’s not really all there. But he can<em> feel </em>it and in the moment it feels like a miracle.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker opens his eyes and looks up at the voice. Or tries too. They seem to shift under his gaze, their smoky body undulating and strange but just present enough to look humanoid. There’s a strange orange glow beneath the surface that looks like it’s threatening to break out and sparks fly from their mouth when they talk.</p><p> </p><p>“Who are you?” Parker asks and the figure seems to smile sadly looking far away for an odd moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Call me Uncle Plasma.”  He says after a moment and Parker smiles back at the silly name. He thinks that he might recognise it from somewhere but he doesn't dwell on it. He’s alive. He can do a great job.</p><p> </p><p>Parker goes to stand up and wobbles slightly on his… feet. He supposes you could call them feet. His breath hitches as he holds up his hands which drip drip drip onto the ground. They look like they’re made of coffee. Parker touches his face in mounting horror and feels it move and pulse beneath his touch. This isn’t right this isn’t right. The smoke man comes towards him again and Parker shies away from his touch, moving away from his hands. Uncle looks strangely put out but Parker just shakes his head and hugs himself with his strange new arms. The hug isn’t very good. How can he be anyone’s best friend if he can’t even hug properly.</p><p> </p><p>“Um.” Uncle Plasma says taking tentative steps towards him. “It’s okay. You’re just liquid, friend.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s an air of sad humour to his voice but Parker doesn’t find it very funny.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not my name.” He says looking into his rescuers fiery eyes. “I’m Parker. I’m the Intern-Interim Commissioner of Blaseball. I’m supposed to be doing a great job.”</p><p> </p><p>It comes across more sad than confident, which he hadn’t been aiming for but Uncle Plasma doesn’t seem to mind.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” Is all he says and then. “You finished the job. For now at least.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They walk. Uncle Plasma is quiet but he walks with purpose and Parker finds himself struggling to keep up, not quite sure yet of his strange new body. It reminds him of how he had felt when the Coin first woke him up, nothing quite normal. The people from SIBR and the News teams had helped him that time but he’s not sure if Uncle has even noticed how uncomfortable Parker feels, just walking forward like a man possessed.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are we going?” Parker asks at last when the lights of the weird alien facility he’d been at dim in the distance and all he can see is stars.</p><p> </p><p>“Err...” Uncle mutters, his voice trailing off until he seems to forget he was even talking in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>“Where are we?” Parker says, running a little to keep up. “What is this place?”</p><p> </p><p>“The Coffee Plane.” Uncle answers and Parker is too happy that he got a response to be confused.  The ground does look a little bit like coffee beans now that he thinks of it, shuffling beneath his feet, and the galaxies swirling in the expanse of space look almost like the fancy art he had seen on the coffees in the cup. He assumes Uncle means plane like the spiritual magical kind of plane and not the flying one. He can’t see any wings but then again Parker has seen some weird uses of planes in his short lived career as blaseball commissioner. He wonders if they’ve already replaced him, who his successor will be. He hopes they’re doing a good job, or maybe he doesn’t. Parker’s still alive and he’ll need to prove himself if he wants his job back.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually Uncle stops at a cliff of coffee beans, the back shielding them from the glare of the percolation factory. Parker doesn’t like thinking about the people who are still there. The wound is still too fresh to tend to.  Uncle throws something at Parker and starts walking up the cliff again.</p><p> </p><p>“Stay here.” Uncle says. “I’ll be back.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker unravels the cloth in his hands and sees that it’s a trench coat, a little too big for him, he must have lost some mass in the percolator, but cozy all the same. Parker wraps it around himself so that it covers the red blaseball uniform he had still been wearing and looks up at the sky. Uncle is standing on the top of the cliff looking out wistfully into the stars. Parker wonders who he is, how he even found him, before the stress of what he had previously thought would be the last day of his life catches up to him and Parker drifts off to sleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He can see the kid sleeping from up on the cliff and Parker, the other one, breathes a sigh of relief, crouching down and resting his head on his knees, the burning sparks shimmering in his eyes as he makes contact. He wasn’t sure he’d make it. He’d hoped to have reached his unfortunate successor before the kid could be percolated but he had failed miserably. That was clear just by looking at Parker IIII whose liquid body moves and shifts in a way almost as unsettling as his own. He supposes it’s better this way, the kid is unrecognizable, Game Band uniform hidden by a trench coat, firmly out of the Coin’s spiderlike web of power. And it would have been strange, if Parker IIII had still had his face, because Parker III knew that if he had found the kid and seen his own face staring back at him, that perfectly average open face that Parker III hadn’t seen since the fire, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it. It’s unsettling enough to <em>know</em> that you’re a clone, but to <em>see</em> it… it’s better this way is all. He had hated his new body at first, the way wisps of smoke had escaped whenever he tried to grab something, how incorporeal he had felt, but at least this was <em>his</em>. The Coin had given him a lot of things, his name, a job, a purpose but this was all his own. He could sort out the rest in time. And he’ll help the kid learn too. He knows how tough it is to lose everything.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Parker wakes up to Uncle Plasma’s hand shaking him awake and he opens his eyes blearily. It’s still dark so he’s got no idea if it’s morning, or if there even is time in this strange alien dimension. Uncle smiles at him in an effort to seem friendly, an effort which Parker appreciates. Uncle’s not his friend yet but he thinks he could be.</p><p> </p><p>Uncle undoes the clasp on his rucksack and brings out a few logs, setting them down on the ground and holding his hand out over the top. There’s a beat and then sparks fly out of his smoky hand and the logs are engulfed in flames. Parker looks on with wild eyes, the orange of the fire shining on his liquid skin.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s awesome!” Parker says, face breaking into a grin. “You’re so cool.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle chuckles and then looks surprised, hand flying up to his mouth. He looks sheepishly over at Parker.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not cool.” He says with amused certainty. “Or at least I definitely wasn’t. You’d find me pretty boring if you’d met me a couple of weeks ago.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker doesn’t think that that’s true, Uncle Plasma is extremely cool and also made of fire which is a big bonus. He wants to know more about his rescuer, Parker thinks, maybe he can make a new best friend even if he isn’t the commissioner anymore. The thought fills Parker with excitement.</p><p> </p><p>“So what are we doing?” Parker says, elbows perched on his knees as he watches Uncle make some coffee over the fire. Parker thinks he’s had enough coffee to last a lifetime but he doesn’t want to upset his new friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Um… I’m not sure.” Uncle says sounding a little awkward. “I didn’t really think what I would do once I’d rescued you. I just knew I couldn’t let you go through this alone.” The unspoken ‘like me’ lies heavily in the air.</p><p> </p><p>“Well we need to get back.” Parker says with a sure certainty. “I need to do a great job and I can’t do a great job if I’m stuck here.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle looks strangely disappointed for a moment and Parker isn’t sure why. Maybe Uncle doesn’t understand what is expected of the Commissioner. What the Coin might do to him if he disobeys.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey… Parker.” Uncle says, saying his name weirdly like it’s costing him something. “Do you really want that?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker tilts his head quizzically, confused by the question. What else would he want? He wants to do a great job, <em>needs</em> to do a great job. An instinct that comes as naturally as breathing. He has never needed to question it, never wanted to and what Uncle is doing feels almost sacrilegious.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.” He says and then because it doesn’t feel like enough- “I need to be their best friend. That’s my job.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle softens at that and Parker thinks maybe he’s done something right.</p><p> </p><p>“Who told you to be their best friend?” He asks, lip quirked up in a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“The fans did. At first. But then I kept being their best friend because I wanted to.” It feels nice to say it, Parker’s special thing, devoid of the Coin and his job.</p><p> </p><p>Uncle sighs and looks up, eyes fiery at the sky.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re better than I ever was.” He says softly. “You actually <em>care</em> and not just because the Coin says so. Do you really want to be the Commissioner again?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.” Parker says without hesitation, the impulse bright at the front of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Uncle says. “Maybe we can do that.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This hadn’t been Parker’s plan. He was supposed to teach the kid that there was a life other than being the Commissioner, a lesson <em>he</em> had had to learn by himself. It had been a long while now since he had been incinerated. He dreams about it sometimes, the horrific pain as his body disintegrated, bright yellow running through his veins and cracking open his skin as he screamed. He still doesn’t know how he survived or why he’s like this, this strange amalgamation of smoke and cinders. But dying was the best thing that could have happened to him. He had seen them replace him, seen the fans mourn him then move on. He had started to ask questions other than ‘what’ and he had learnt. Parker thinks he likes the Uncle Plasma version of him much better than the original. He’s supposed to be showing that to the kid too. But the thing is that the kid seems to actually <em>care</em>, his face lighting up when he talks about being the Commissioner in ways that Parker III had never experienced. Maybe this kid really is the best Parker for the job. And maybe he knows how he can make that happen even if he doesn’t like it. <em>Who</em> can make it happen.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not until dinner that he snaps. They’ve been travelling for hours and the kid clearly doesn’t know when to shut up. He keeps talking and talking, asking question after question, and if Parker III had any doubt that each of his iterations is different he certainly doesn’t anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“So why are you made of fire?” The kid asks as Parker cooks their coffee for the night. He doesn’t answer, the incineration still too fresh in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>“How old are you?” The kid continues, undeterred by the lack of involvement and Parker tries not to laugh. “I’m 19!”</p><p> </p><p>“I was 19 too.” Parker III says and the kid just looks confused.</p><p> </p><p>“Well yeah.” He says and looks up at him with the dripping sockets where his eyes should be. “Coin says I’m doing really good for a 19 year old. Most 19 year olds don’t have jobs and <em>I’m</em> the Blaseball Commissioner!”</p><p> </p><p>Coin. Everytime he hears the name he can see his fire grow brighter beneath the smoke. She’d lied to him and she’d lied to this Parker too. He’d used to worship her. This kid still does.</p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t listen to what the Coin says kid.”</p><p> </p><p>“But she’s the best boss ever!” Little Parker says with a loyalty that Parker III finds equally cute and disturbing. Images of her flash in his mind, her golden shining skin, the way she had towered over him, the way she had manipulated him, stopped him from asking any questions. She’d created them as little more than pawns. He still dreamt about her sometimes. He bets the kid does too.</p><p> </p><p>“The Coin isn’t someone you should trust.” Parker III says firmly, eyes down on the fire. “There are some things you’ll need to learn but I promise you this: she’s not the savior she makes herself out to be.”</p><p> </p><p>The kids eyes go saucer wide and he shakes his head so hard bits of coffee splash off him.</p><p> </p><p>“But she raised me!” The kid says and Parker III is so upset at the stupid vitriol he’s spitting that his skin cracks and fire whooshes out the top of his head. Little Parker looks up at him in fear and shuffles away but Parker III is too angry to realise that the kid isn’t the person he should be directing this at.</p><p> </p><p>“Raised you?” Parker III shouts and he can hear the layers in his voice, bitter and cold, the fire flicking out of his mouth as he yells. “She didn’t raise you, kid. You’re not 19. You came out of an egg. She made you and she made you to do her dirty work, a little pawn in whatever evil plans she concocts. We are nothing!”</p><p> </p><p>The flame blooms and settles down. The kid looks up at him with fear in his eyes. He looks terrified. If either of them had tear ducts he thinks they might be crying.</p><p> </p><p>“We?” Little Parker says in a tiny, quiet voice and Parker III realises with mounting horror what a simple slip up has cost him. “Are you a Parker too?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>second chapter feat time travel, the monitor, data witch cameos and more angst coming soon! Leave kudos and/or comment if you like I thrive off validation.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so I got a little bit overexcited and wrote too much parker bonding so there will now be three chapters! Hope you enjoy the installment :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Parker wraps his arms around his knees and holds them tight. There’s a weird give to it that wasn’t there before but it still works to calm him down as he breathes in and out deeply. Uncle had reminded him so much of the Coin. He’d seen that golden flame roaring over Uncle’s head when he’d gotten angry and all he could see was <em>her</em>, shouting at him over some minuscule detail he’d forgotten from the files or for making too much noise in his little office because it had been right next to hers. He had been <em>terrified</em>. Parker peeks out from behind his arms and sees Uncle Plasma, still standing on the cliff. He’d stormed off after Parker had asked his question, fire dimming suddenly, mouth drawn into a tight line. Parker thinks he must have done something wrong because Uncle looks very sad from where he’s staring idly into space, making little flames in his hands. He doesn’t want to make Uncle angry. He’d <em>liked</em> the fact that finally he had someone to look after him who wouldn’t just get mad at every little thing he did wrong. Coin was the best and he was so thankful for her being his boss but she had been so… scary, all the time. But he doesn’t think he’d been wrong to ask the question. Uncle had said ‘we’. And somehow Uncle had known about the Coin, known what she was really like. Not that she was bad just that sometimes she was… difficult. Yeah, that seems like the right word.</p><p> </p><p>Parker’s so wrapped up in his thoughts that he jumps when Uncle comes over, laying a hand gently on his shoulder, slow enough that Parker could move if he wants to. He doesn’t though, Uncle is back to just being smoky, the allusions to the Coin lost and Parker feels safe again.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.” Parker mutters under his breath. “I shouldn’t have said that. I just get curious sometimes.”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Uncle says and Parker looks up for a moment in fear before he sees the concern in Uncle’s glowing eyes. “It was my fault for exploding. The thing is kid, I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle takes a deep sigh and Parker waits silently, knowing that this is something that will take time. But he can wait for however long Uncle needs, he owes his rescuer that much.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right.” Uncle says and Parker can see how much this is torturing him. “My name is Parker too. Well Parker III not II, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Parker IIII!” Parker says and he’s so excited for a moment to have someone who <em>understands</em> him. “I wondered, sometimes, about the number but I never thought that I’d meet you! We’re basically made to be best friends!”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle gives him a strange look that Parker is too oblivious to realise is fondness.</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose.” Uncle continues and Parker sits up properly to listen. “I should be dead, we both should be. I don’t think Coin would like us meeting. She probably has protocols in place.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker feels a little rebellious at that, Uncle’s words too confident to let Parker feel scared. Uncle could protect them, he thinks, if she ever came back.</p><p> </p><p>“I was born in an egg, just like you. Coin found me, told me I was the Blaseball Commissioner, my name was Parker Macmillan III and I was 19. It was confusing to do the job at first, but you probably know that.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker blushes, remembering the whole fiasco with the icon and Photoshop.</p><p> </p><p>“I got the hang of it eventually. I did the job for a good long while, much longer than you or the other two. I’m still upset I don’t know more about them other than that they’re dead. But anyway, I was obedient, blindly so, and too stupid to get curious. I <em>lived</em> for my job. At least you had the self purpose to go out and make friends.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker perks up in pride. “Me and the people from SIBR get ice cream!”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle smiles. “I heard. It wasn’t until the trial that things started to go downhill. I was incinerated, in some freak accident too dumb to try and explain. It’s funny, I’d seen so many incinerations happen that they had stopped mattering to me. I hadn’t expected it to <em>hurt</em> so much.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle starts shaking and Parker shuffles over to press their legs together.</p><p> </p><p>“I should have <em>died</em>. But I didn’t. And when I went back to the office, you were there, an innocent little copy of me. I tried to get in but no one recognized me. Not even the Coin. Or maybe she just wanted to make me suffer, I don’t know. I was so angry at you. For taking my place. Until I went and lived in the real world, met real people, learned how little I had really mattered to her. Then I realized it wasn’t you I should be angry at but <em>her</em>. I promised myself I’d get you out of there. I’m sorry I was too late to save you from… this.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle stops and puts his head in his hands, scrunching up his fingers so hard they phase through into the smoke.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.” Parker says because he needs to make sure Uncle knows that it’s alright. “It’s fine that I’m liquid now. It’s a little bit weird but I don’t mind. I’m just happy that it let me meet you.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Uncle says in a broken sounding voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Well two Parker’s is better than one right!” He says. “I’m sure that when I get to be Commissioner again I can make the Coin understand! Maybe she’ll let us both do it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to do that job ever again kid.” Uncle says with a laugh. “But it sounds like you do. Are you saying that because the Coin wants it or because <em>you</em> do?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker pauses. He hasn’t really thought about that before. The two things had been so firmly melded into one that he’s not sure he can even untangle them. What he wants and what the Coin wants has always been more of a circle than a venn diagram. But he knows, knows for a fact, that he wants to see his friends. That he wants to go get ice cream with SIBR on his lunch break and say good morning to each of the journalists as he walks into the office in the morning. That’s why he wants to be the Commissioner again, even more so than he wants to do a great job, but he <em>does </em>want to be the Commissioner. He must want to because how else will he be able to do any of those things again.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to be the Commissioner.” Parker says, thinking about moose track ice cream. “I want to do a great job.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Uncle nods and claps Parker on the shoulder. “Then let’s do it. Coin will never let you back in like this but I know someone who can help us."</p><p> </p><p>Parker tilts his head quizzically and Uncle raises an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>"Let’s just say I’ve made some powerful friends.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Uncle explains the plan to him as they walk. Apparently on his magical finding himself road trip (Uncle had rolled his eyes when Parker called it that) he’d come across a creature called The Monitor. The name rang a bell to Parker but he had never met the creature seeing as he hadn’t actually commissioned any real blaseball, a fact Parker tries not to think about too hard. Uncle had explained his reasoning to Parker, counting out the facts on his barely there fingers. One: Parker can’t get back in looking like that, he’s barely recognizable and it would be easy for the Coin to pretend she didn’t recognize him even if she did, and two: presumably Parker 5 exists and the Coin won’t like them meeting each other. This of course leaves Uncle with the solution of calling up The Monitor who apparently can ‘work miracles’ and also hates gods, a fact that’s probably useful given that the Coin will probably not be too happy with their plan.</p><p> </p><p>After that they had fallen into an awkward silence. Parker decided to break it by making Uncle play games, like I Sply, although the only available things to point at were ‘C’ for coffee and ‘B’ for beans. Then Parker had made up a game where you had to come up with increasingly humorous reason why some concept had ended up in #PARTYTIME, which he had enjoyed but Uncle had found extremely confusing despite the fact that it was really not all that complex. Uncle had got him to join in on a ‘what off’ which was absolutely not a real game but instead comprised of them saying ‘what’ at each other till one of them laughed. This killed a couple hours of time before Uncle won without even breaking a sweat. Then Parker had tried to get Uncle to tell him where the name Uncle Plasma had even come from and Uncle had spouted off some ridiculously convoluted story that Parker had barely understood and ended up with him going-</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Which, of course, had made them both giggle (Uncle would later deny that giggling had ever happened but Parker knew the truth).</p><p> </p><p>“I know!” Parker says jumping up and down. “Let’s see how similar we are! What’s your favourite colour?”</p><p> </p><p>“Red.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mine’s red too! What about your favourite team?”</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t possibly say.” Uncle says with a knowing glance. “Was that a trick question?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker sighs. “Yeah. I was trying to make you slip up. Coin says you should never have favorites because then you wouldn’t be impartial.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll let you in on a secret though.” Uncle says and Parker sidles up so Uncle can talk under his breath. “I’ve always related a bit to the Millenials.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker gasps and then grins up at Uncle. “You can’t say that! It’s against the rules!”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle smirks and nudges Parkers shoulder. “Well I’m not the Commissioner anymore, I can do what I like. And the hopeless toiling under capitalism seems like a bit of a parallel does it not?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker shakes his head but he’s smiling all the same.</p><p> </p><p>“Go on.” Uncle says, prodding Parker. “Who would you support?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker looks up at Uncle suspiciously and then round at the empty fields of coffee in the emptiness of space and Parker feels, for once, that if he misbehaved the Coin would never know. “I don’t know. I love them all but I like the fact that the Lovers are all about friendship and stuff.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle beams and Parker feels like he’s done something great instead of breaking one of Coin’s rules.</p><p> </p><p>“And from what I’ve seen of Parker 5 so far he’s definitely got Shoe Thief energy.” Uncle says and Parker looks a little scandalized.</p><p> </p><p>“Shoe Thieves?” Parker says in a panicked voice. “He must be a very chaotic Commissioner.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle laughs and then his face turns a little bit sad. “The Coin will probably bake it out off him before too long. But it is pretty funny.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker feels the conversation turning melancholy and tries desperately to turn it around. “What’s your favourite ice cream?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know, I never tried it.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker’s eyes widen in horror. “What! Never had ice cream! That’s so sad, when I get to be the Commissioner again so that I can get ice cream with SIBR you can come and I’ll make you try every flavor.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker quietens for a moment and looks down at his feet, twiddling with his thumbs.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think they miss me?” He says in a small voice and then feels embarrassed for having even thought it.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Uncle says but his voice is quiet too like he’s letting Parker say whatever he needs to get out.</p><p> </p><p>“SIBR. And the news teams and the fans.” Parker pauses for a moment. “I mean I only knew them for a few weeks. And sometimes I worry that they were only friends with me because I was the Commissioner. And now it’s like, well there’s a new Commissioner isn’t there? And he looks just like me. So what if they moved on and forgot and now they’re getting ice cream and saying good morning to new Parker like nothing changed, like nothing ever happened. Like he’s me but he’s not me like I’m not you.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle stops them and grabs Parkers shoulders so that he’s facing him, looking into Parkers coffee eyes in a way that makes him feel like Uncle can see straight through him.</p><p> </p><p>“They won’t forget.” Uncle says with certainty. “Maybe they’ll move on after a while but they won’t just forget. Do you know what happened after I died? The fans all stood there outside the courthouse and saluted. They did it for hours. And I was never their best friend. Imagine how upset they’ll feel about you. So never think that okay? Because it’s not true.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker wants to cry but he’s not sure if the liquid body will let him. Instead he just nods.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Uncle says and for a moment Parker is so so happy that he got percolated.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It takes them the better part of a day to finally reach The Monitor and it is not at all what Parker had been expecting. The word ‘monitor’ had made him imagine a computer screen or something definitely not this gargantuan blue squid that floats in space before them. It hadn’t been there when they arrived but even Parker could see this must be the place. They were quite literally at the end of the world, the coffee covered hills dropping away into nothingness. They’d just sort of waited there for a minute and then the squid god had appeared, phasing in from nothing against the dark backdrop of space.</p><p> </p><p>Parker had jumped and gone to stand behind Uncle who had thrown him an amused ‘what’ before turning to face The Monitor.</p><p> </p><p>HELLO</p><p> </p><p>“Hi.” Uncle says, slipping into the polite customer service voice that he’d done when he was Commissioner. “We could use your help. Specifically my friend here, he’s another Parker.”</p><p> </p><p>ANOTHER PARKER? WEIRD. YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP DYING.</p><p> </p><p>WHAT DO YOU WANT?</p><p> </p><p>It’s voice is so loud and rich but it seems to be coming from nowhere at all. He can’t see a mouth on the creature. Parker wonders how Uncle even met this guy.</p><p> </p><p>“Um…” Uncle says like he’s just realizing what they’re messing with. “Well I know you’re kind of in charge of death and stuff so I was hoping maybe you could undo the percolation somehow?”</p><p> </p><p>PERCOLATION? SOUNDS YUMMY.</p><p> </p><p>HAVE YOU TRIED DRINKING HIM.</p><p> </p><p>“Um… no.” Uncle replies and then ploughs on. “He’s trying to be the Commissioner again. I was hoping… you could help?”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle sounds a lot less confident than he had done earlier.</p><p> </p><p>NICE OF YOU TO THINK OF ME.</p><p> </p><p>BUT WHY SHOULD I HELP YOU?</p><p> </p><p>“Because it would make the Coin angry!” Uncle says. “And you hate the other gods right?”</p><p> </p><p>I ATE THE OTHER GODS I THINK YOU MEAN.</p><p> </p><p>HAVEN’T EATEN COIN YET.</p><p> </p><p>HOPE MY TEETH CAN GET THROUGH.</p><p> </p><p>Parker doesn’t want to think about The Monitor having <em>teeth</em>.</p><p> </p><p>BUT I THINK I KNOW HOW TO HELP.</p><p> </p><p>I’VE BROUGHT PEOPLE BACK BEFORE.</p><p> </p><p>THE DRINK MIGHT BE TRICKY THOUGH IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE HIM UNDRINK.</p><p> </p><p>“That would be preferable.” Uncle says and Parker nods in agreement.</p><p> </p><p>WELL IT’S YOUR LOSS. I GUESS CAN JUST DRINK THE OTHERS.</p><p> </p><p>LOOK, I CAN HELP. BUT YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE IT.</p><p> </p><p>“What do we need to do?”</p><p> </p><p>I’M GOOD AT TIME STUFF. I CAN SEND YOU BACK. THEN YOUR LIQUID FRIEND WON’T BE LIQUID AND THERE WON’T BE A NEW PARKER AND IT WILL ALL BE FINE.</p><p> </p><p>I’LL MAKE A PORTAL OR SOMETHING.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” Uncle says with a sigh. “Give us one second.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle turns round and leans down to Parker. They’re the exact same height so this is mostly pointless but it does look conspiratorial.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re sure you want to do this kid?” Uncle asks and Parker nods, thinking of SIBR.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think it will work?” He asks and Uncle shrugs his shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>“I hope so. I think The Monitor is too stupid to lie. But this is going to be hard for you. You’ll have to see yourself, we’ll have to figure out a way to save you. You might have to sit by while your friends get percolated again.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker thinks. Can he really do this? He thinks about his teammates getting liquidated.  It had been hard the first time but he was still here wasn’t he? Maybe he can save them too. And then he can go get ice cream. And also go back to his job and see the Coin again but he doesn’t think about that. Only the ice cream.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure.” Parker says with a smile and Uncle nods.</p><p> </p><p>YOU KNOW I COULD HEAR ALL THAT RIGHT? AND I’M NOT STUPID I’M A GOD. I’M JUST NOT VERY NEFARIOUS. BUT I’LL MAKE YOU A PORTAL.</p><p> </p><p>The squid closes its eyes and then a shimmering vortex emerges in the dark night sky.</p><p> </p><p>ERRR THERE YOU GO. HAVEN’T DONE THAT IN A WHILE. HOPEFULLY IT GOES TO THE RIGHT PLACE. IF NOT IT WILL BE FUNNY THOUGH.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks!” Parker says as Uncle leads the way up to the weird black hole looking thing. Parker hopes they don’t just die as soon as they walk into it.</p><p> </p><p>NO PROBLEM LIQUID FRIEND. HAVE FUN IN THERE. AND IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO DRINK YOU JUST HIT ME UP. I’LL BRING A STRAW.</p><p> </p><p>Parker grabs Uncle’s smoky hand in his coffee one and they walk into the portal together.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>chapter 3 coming soon feat actual data witch cameos this time I promise, bc noir, an ending and even more parker bonding.  Also I love writing the monitor go kling! Always appreciate some kudos and comments if you got time 🤠</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here it is folks! the end! this ended up being way longer than I anticipated, probably because I can't stop writing parker friendship content. there's also copious amounts of blaseball cameos in this chapter, the whole gang really gets mentioned. I wrote this in one sitting in a fever dream esque state so hope you enjoy!</p><p>(I also retconned chap 1 a bit so that Parker recognises the name uncle plasma because otherwise none of this would make much sense)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Parker had expected the trip through the squid’s portal to be a lot more exciting. In the end, it’s a little anticlimactic. They walk through and by the time their feet come down they’re in front of the stadium for the Coffee Cup. It looks just like Parker remembers and he can already see the hustle and bustle of players as they make their way into the building.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this right?” Uncle asks, muttering into Parkers ear and Parker looks round for clues as to exactly what time this is. He scans the crowd and then grins when he spots the Cold Brew Crew in their festive wintery outfits that are definitely too warm for the sunny weather. He points over to where NaN is jumping up and down excitedly talking to Yosh Carpenter who smiles and throws one of his four arms over the kid’s shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>“They got knocked out in the first round.” Parker explains with a relieved smile. “And they’re all still in their outfits so the Cup mustn’t have started yet. We’ve still got time!”</p><p> </p><p>“Really?” Uncle says and Parker suddenly feels like Uncle did not appropriately explain the risks to him if he seems so surprised. “I think the best way to get in there is to pose as a team. That way we can be close enough to past you to stop you from getting percolated.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker giggles and tilts his head quizzically. “A team? But there’s only two of… oh my god.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker stares straight ahead as he proceeds to have an existential crisis.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Uncle says and then realizing that that’s not an appropriate response to the situation- “Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker looks up slowly at Uncle Plasma like he’s seen a ghost. Which he sort of has because he knew that he recognized the name from somewhere and now that he thinks about it a lot more things start to make sense.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re BC Noir.” Parker says in a whispered voice dripping with barely concealed awe. “I remember this. Liquid Friend and Uncle Plasma. They went out in the first round against Heavy FC. I remember I had to sign extra paperwork because it was only the two of them. This is so weird.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle Plasma looks down at the kid with increasing worry, his face is dripping coffee in an expression of abject horror and he looks like he might be about to faint.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” Uncle says and snaps his fingers in front of Parker who jumps, his eyes flickering around till they land on Uncle. “This time travel stuff is new to me too kid so I have no idea how this works but we have to keep going with the mission okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker pauses for a moment and then nods slowly, pulling his trench coat tighter around himself. “I’m Liquid Friend.” He whispers and the thought is somehow the weirdest thing he’s had to comprehend yet in this extremely weird week of his life. But the fact that he had been in the same place as himself for days and hadn’t even noticed, maybe even <em>met</em> himself is a little mind-blowing.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey at least we’ve got your code name sorted out hey Liquid Friend?” Uncle says in a valiant effort to lighten the mood. Parker just sort of nods and starts to walk towards the help desk of the stadium and Uncle sighs. He’d known this would be difficult, of course it would, but if this is how Parker reacts to this he doesn’t even want to know how emotionally draining the rest of the week will be for his poor successor. At least Liquid Friend is an appropriate name though, Uncle thinks with a smile.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Getting into the Coffee Cup is a surprisingly simple process, helped by the fact that Parker knows it worked out the first time. The two of them are also unreasonably good at paperwork and even the receptionist is pleasantly surprised by the fact that they actually read the terms and conditions, which does indeed cover the whole ‘Blaseball takes no liability for any injuries, deaths or percolations’ situation. Parker can’t help but feel a little disappointed in his past self’s foresight, if it hadn’t he could have sued.</p><p> </p><p>Parkers played blaseball before but Uncle never has so he attempts to teach him the basics of pitching, an interesting concept seeing as pitching is in a whole different blallpark to batting. So far Uncle has successfully sort of thrown the ball in the right direction but the fact that they only have a couple of days to the tournament weighs heavily on Parkers mind. He knows they’re going to lose (they already did in his timeline) but he’d at least like to win one game. If he could get a home run that would be great too, he still hadn’t quite gotten over the thrill from the last one. Heavy FC come over to watch them practice and Uncle’s shoddy pitching gets an amused look out of Jaylen Hotdogfingers and he hears Peanut Holloway tell his team that this should be an easy win. Which yes but also Parker is still holding out hope that they can at least give them a run for their money.</p><p> </p><p>“I think you have to put like some spin on it.” Parker is saying as they’re getting ready for bed that evening. They’d been given a dorm in the stadium so that they wouldn’t have to travel the distance every day. He can hear the other, much noisier teams, all down the corridor, including Betsy Trombone who seems to have started an impromptu concert.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Uncle says from where he’s laying back on his bed. “<em>I</em> think you’re making all this up.”</p><p> </p><p>“No I’m not!” Parker insists. “You’ve never even played blaseball before!”</p><p> </p><p>“And you’ve never even pitched.” Uncle replies with a shit eating grin. “I was Commissioner for eleven seasons so if anything I probably know more about blaseball than you.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker rolls his eyes and grabs his pajamas off the bed. “I’m getting ready to go to sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle makes a noncommittal ‘hm’ and closes his eyes as Parker makes his way out into the corridor with a slight sense of trepidation. He’s not used to seeing this many people in one place. Last time Coin hadn’t let him stay in the stadium, she’d said it would be too distracting for his work which, to be honest, was probably true. But at least this means he’s not going to run into himself. That’s like the biggest no no of time travel.</p><p> </p><p>After nearly being slammed into a wall by an erratically rollerskating Summers Pony, Parker manages to make his way to the bathroom without incident. He’s absentmindedly walking in, undoing the top button of his trenchcoat when –</p><p> </p><p>Oh dear. In Parkers list of ‘things I should look out for’ he hadn’t thought about mirrors. But there is one, a massive full length thing on the back wall and Parker stills because if he moves then he’ll have to accept that the thing in the mirror is him. He’s not horrifying per se but the face that looks back at him is so astoundingly different from his own that it terrifies him. He stares into the wide eyes, surrounded by dripping coffee, the only part of him that he can even recognize anymore. Parker tries to breathe slowly because he can see his body moving too and he hates it. It hadn’t been so bad when it had just been his legs and arms that he could see out of his periphery but something about his face feels sacred. For a moment he hates Parker III for saving him.</p><p> </p><p>“-okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker jolts and whips his head around so he’s not facing the mirror. A weird looking kid, NaN, his brain supplies, is staring at him with a concerned look on their face.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah yeah I’m fine.” Parker says but NaN looks less than convinced. The kids eyes flit from Parkers face to the mirror and then back again.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, is it bothering you?” NaN says, pointing a glitching finger towards the mirror. Parker goes to look toward it and then stops, wincing, if the answer to the question hadn’t been obvious before then it definitely is now.</p><p> </p><p>“I just…” Parker begins and then has absolutely no idea how to explain any of this. “My face looks weird.”<br/><br/></p><p>It feels lame and not at all enough but NaN nods anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I understand.” They say and Parker stares at them in surprise. “Like you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you have to do a double take because you don’t recognize yourself anymore?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker nods slowly and the kid relaxes.</p><p> </p><p>“That used to happen to me all the time!” NaN says with a beaming smile. “I don’t really remember who I used to be all that much but sometimes I would look over and it just felt.. wrong I guess. Like I didn’t expect it. But I don’t mind anymore. Look!”</p><p> </p><p>NaN turns to the mirror and does an excitable little wave then jumps up and down a couple times.</p><p> </p><p>“See, you just have to get used to it!” NaN says and their excitement is contagious. “The glitching is kinda fun anyway. You should try!”</p><p> </p><p>Parker turns around to the mirror and does a little smile and the person in the reflection smiles back. It’s still his smile, Parker thinks and the smile widens until he can almost see his old self peeking through. He tries out a little wave next and theres a jaunty way to how the coffee moves that Parker can’t help but enjoy.</p><p> </p><p>“Now do a silly face!” NaN says and Parker is about to say that that would be unprofessional before he realises that the Coin is nowhere here to punish him so he sticks his tongue out and waggles his fingers and the whole thing looks so amusing that he laughs.</p><p> </p><p>“See!” NaN says with a bright smile. “You’ll get used to it no problem, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker turns to face the kid and holds out his hand for a handshake.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Pa…. I’m Liquid Friend.” He says, the new name slipping awkwardly off his tongue but NaN doesn’t seem to notice, taking his hand and letting Parker exercise his best business handshake.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m NaN!” NaN answers. “Maybe we can hang out soon! There’s tons of time while we’re on break. Not now though, Yosh says I’ve gotta go to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker feels a warmth rising in his chest and he grins from ear to ear. “Night friend!” He says, waving his hand as NaN leaves. It's silly, Parker thinks, how one conversation with a random kid can make him feel like he’s accomplished something.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next day is their first match and Parker is terrified. He probably shouldn’t be, he knows that, the worst has already happened after all but he desperately doesn’t want to let Uncle Plasma down.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, don’t worry.” Uncle says with a glance at Parker. “You’ll look great out there compared to me I’m sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker smiles a little and tightens the straps on his trench coat. They look pretty cool at least, Parker thinks, like detectives or something. Uncle had tried to get him to watch an old noir film yesterday after he realised Parker had never seen one in an attempt to ‘get in character’ but Parker had just ended up nodding off.</p><p> </p><p>“Good luck!” Kline Greenlemon shouts with a cheery smile as Heavy FC walk past them on the way out to the mound. Parker can hear the fans cheering now and excitement starts to join the nervousness. He wonders if any of them are cheering for him.</p><p> </p><p>Uncle claps his hands onto Parkers shoulders. “We got this.”</p><p> </p><p>“We got this!” Parker says with a grin. “Oh! And drink in the darkness!”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s our slogan!” Parker replies. “I remember it from the first time. We should come up with a better one though. I know what about like… Parker power!”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle stares at him in an entirely unamused fashion. “That’s terrible. That was awful. I’ll blame the Coin for forgetting to add wittiness into the cloning process but you might not be so lucky next time.”</p><p> </p><p>His lips quirk up into a smile by the end of the sentence and Parker grins too. Uncle is funny in a snarky sort of way he decides.</p><p> </p><p>“Play ball?”</p><p> </p><p>“Play ball.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That was awesome!” Parker shouts as he jogs off the field. They hadn’t won but it had been pretty close and Parker had got 4 runs all by himself. And against PolkaDot Patterson too!  </p><p> </p><p>“Nice job kid!” The pitcher in question shouts from across the field and Parker beams.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you hear that?” Parker whispers to Uncle who rolls his eyes in response. “PolkaDot Patterson said I did a great job!”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I heard, I was right next to you.”Uncle says but without a shred of annoyance in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>And the fans had cheered for them too, Parker thinks staring up at the crowd where he can still see a couple of people waving around big foam magnifying glasses. It feels so nice to be wanted again, Parker realises and he’s so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice he’s bumping into someone until he already has.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no!” Parker says at almost the same time as the person on the floor does, they’ve dropped their phone and scramble around to pick it up.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry about that.” Parker continues as he hears Uncle say “Wait” in a quiet voice behind him. He’s about to ask what on earth he’s referring to when the person stands up and meets his eyes and Parker is standing face to face with himself.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay!” Past Parker says and Parker is frozen still, his eyes wide. Past Parker smiles and seeing his own face look back at him makes him want to scream. His kindly, average non coffee filled face and the bouncy curly hair and the slightly crumpled tie that Parker has the urge to fix just as Past Parker reaches up to fix it. “I’m the Intern-Interim Blaseball Commissioner but you can call me Parker! I’m playing for the Real Game Band!”</p><p> </p><p>Parker realises with horrible clarity that he has had this conversation before. He remembers looking at Liquid Friend and thinking that they must just be shy. It’s excruciating.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Liquid Friend.” Parker says, memory helping the words fall of his tongue. “How was your game?”</p><p> </p><p>“We won!” Past Parker says in genuine excitement. “Some of the best friends got stolen by this big beam in the sky but the bosses say they’re okay so I’m sure they’ll be back.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker doesn’t know what to say to that, he doesn’t remember either. He just shakes his head and the smile slips off Past Parkers face. He can’t do this. He needs to go before the sheer amount of stress and existentialism he’s experienced in the past week breaks him. He starts to back up and bumps into someone and Parker feels a hand tighten on his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.” Uncle says from behind him. “Liquid Friend’s just tired.”</p><p> </p><p>Past Parker tilts his head but doesn’t mention it and leaves with a wave. “Good luck! I’ve got to talk to the best friends now anyway!”</p><p> </p><p>As soon as he’s out of sight Parker collapses onto the ground and Uncle follows, tightening his grip on Parkers shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.” Uncle says but his voice is shaky too and Parker realises he’s not the only one who’s seen a ghost.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Parker says and he draws the trench coat around his knees.</p><p><br/>“What?” Uncle says and then – “What for I mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. Dying. Getting you into this mess. Abandoning my best friends.” He says and for a moment he feels angry. “It’s not fair.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle’s quiet and Parker clutches his fists, mumbling into his coat.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t get it. Why did the Coin even let me get percolated in the first place. None of the other teams did. Why us.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker feels bad for saying it as soon as it’s out of his mouth. The Coin is a great boss. But he can’t help but feel that she could have stopped the percolation and just… didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m being stupid.” Parker says and hastens a look up at Uncle Plasma who looks distinctly less on fire than normal.</p><p> </p><p>“No you’re not.” Uncle says and he looks sharply into Parkers eyes. “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s the Coins. And never feel like you’re a burden to me, I <em>chose</em> to help you because I couldn’t put you through what I did.”</p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker smiles and so does Uncle and the world feels a little brighter.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Parker has never been to a party before. He doesn’t think Uncle has either because his slightly older counterpart is looking almost amusingly awkward.  Parker’s got a little suit and bowtie on that he thinks is pretty cute but Uncle had refused to change out of his trench coat, saying that it would ruin his ‘image’ although Parker assumes that it’s more likely the less than stellar associations that come with a suit and tie. They’re celebrating the end of day 3 wherein Cream and Sugar, Royal PoS and, of course, BC Noir, had been the first teams knocked out of the tournament. He’s a little upset that they didn’t manage to win a single game but Parker supposes that that wasn’t really the point. They’re here to rescue him from the percolation (which, his evil brain decides to remind him, happens in two days). Coin hadn’t let him go to the party the first time, the Real Game Band are all too busy working to join in but the atmosphere is so exciting. Parker feels like he belongs in the hubbub of people, the laughing and dancing, the constant reminder that everyone is really just a best friend in the making.</p><p> </p><p>“You should go dance!” Parker says, loudly over the music, as he makes his way over to Uncle who shifts uncomfortably. Parker hasn’t quite worked out dancing yet but in the sea of strange inhuman entities he fits right in.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t dance.” Uncle says with a scowl. “I doubt Coin baked that in.”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on!” Parker says, dragging him out to the floor. “We have the same DNA or whatever, if I can get up here and dance so can you!”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no.” Uncle says and rolls his eyes as Parker succeeds at pulling him onto the dance floor. Uncle awkwardly moves his hands about for a moment and then freezes up, shaking his head. “Look let’s just take this as further evidence that we are definitely different people.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker sighs but gives in. “At least go and have fun! Go talk to that lot or something!” He says, gesturing towards a group of sophisticated looking players sitting around a table. Uncle looks relieved and speeds off towards the group, at least he’s not by himself now Parker thinks.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Liquid Friend!” A familiar voice calls and NaN comes over trailed by Lars Taylor, York Silk and Baby Triumphant who seem to have formed some sort of kids coalition. Parker peeks round NaN’s glitching form to see Yosh Carpenter and Knight Triumphant who look to be the kids unofficial babysitters for the night. Yosh gives a wave and Parker feels a little better that the children are not just running havoc around the party (although York does seem to be holding a deadly weapon). “Dance with us!”</p><p> </p><p>Parker nods and spends the next hour trying to keep pace with a group of worryingly energetic kids until the doors slam open and NaN excitedly announces that ‘the data witches have arrived!’ and he hurries off, the rest of the group following close behind. Parker sighs in relief and wanders over to sit on one of the sofas because he is so unbelievably tired after all that.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” A voice says from right next to him and Parker jumps when he sees the familiar form of Batista Oatmilk. She’d been one of the people from the SIBR ice cream outings back when Parker was still Parker and he feels the overwhelming urge to impress them.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi.” He says and his voice squeaks, which it shouldn’t because he already knows Batista it’s fine but also what if she doesn’t like him now! That would suck! “I’m Liquid Friend.”</p><p> </p><p>“Batista Oatmilk.” She says and looks at Parker with a wry expression. “You’re made out of coffee huh? I used to be a barista so better be careful round me.” They say it with a smile like they’re letting Parker in on a funny joke and Parker feels so happy.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh! I will.” Parker says. “Someone threatened to drink me once but I don’t think I’d taste very nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Batista laughs and Parker wants to punch the air. This reminds him so much of the ice cream outings and Parker is enraptured. XVI and Bob come over too and they all chat and Parker feels like he fits right back in with the group. They talk about math and numbers and graphs and then funny things too and every time one of them laughs at his jokes he feels so ecstatically happy. He looks over at where Uncle seems to be having a responsible and probably intellectually stimulating conversation with Math Velazquez and Nerd Pacheco and when Uncle finally looks his way he sends a massive grin and a thumbs up in his direction and Uncle smiles back too.</p><p> </p><p>Parker excuses himself to use the bathroom partway through the conversation and he’s walking jauntily down the corridor when Zero Index bumps into him from where she’s speeding past.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry Parker!” She says haphazardly and Parker is about to say that it’s okay when he stops suddenly.</p><p> </p><p>“What.” He says and grabs Zero’s arm as she’s jogging away. “Zero what do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean what do I mean Parker?” She asks quizzically and Parker jolts at the name.</p><p> </p><p>“You know who I am?” He says quietly, looking around to ensure that other party goers aren’t about to interrupt them.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, duh.” Zero continues and then she stills awkwardly. “Wait is it a secret? Oh my god I’m so sorry for spilling it out like that, I promise I won’t tell anyone else Parker, oh whoops did it again, sorry!”</p><p> </p><p>Parker shakes his head as if to say that it’s okay and Zero stops, bouncing on the heels of her feet.  “But how did you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know! You have a very obvious personality I guess. And I know that you've been travelling in time. One traveler can always recognize another. Look, I’ve learnt a lot during my wacky escapades and so I know that you’re Parker even if you look like a coffee now, which isn’t bad by the way, it’s cute! Not like that though I have a girlfriend.”</p><p> </p><p>She trails off and Parker stares at her fondly, he’d missed Zero’s infectious enthusiasm and astonishingly fast paced sentences and he’s happy too, that there’s someone he can share his secret with.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks. Me and Uncle Plasma are trying to… to stop something bad happening to me.” Parker stiffens a little at the reminder and Zero nods in understanding. He supposes she does have a lot of time travel knowledge. “Uncle Plasma’s Parker III actually. I’m not sure if you met him?”</p><p> </p><p>Zero grins. “Oh yeah! A couple of times, although we weren’t close with him like we are with you, I mean he was kinda boring to be honest but don’t tell him I said that. Nice that he’s not dead though!”</p><p> </p><p>Parker blinks a couple of times and then ploughs on. “Look, about all this time travel stuff. I don’t… get it. Like I remember BC Noir being there the first time, I remember meeting ‘Liquid Friend’ the first time. And so if all this already happened the first time then how is there any hope of us fixing anything! We’ve already failed right? If I’m like this.”</p><p> </p><p>It feels odd to speak his doubts out loud, almost as if it’s rude to Uncle, not that he’s listening. But he knows Zero can help and he needs to know if there’s any hope or if this is it and they failed before they even began.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s a pretty complex question.” Zero says although she looks exceedingly excited to be asked about it. “Time travel is stupid and it barely makes sense half the time and different ways of travelling can have different effects. It’s super tricky to change things, most things are set in stone, like BC Noir being here. You were always going to end up back here. But now that you’re here you can also break the cycle. If you really want to and you fight for it you can make it so this ‘bad thing’ never happens to you but you have to <em>fight</em> it because the past doesn’t change easily. Usually the timeline ends up this way for a reason and it’s okay to mess with it because what’s life without a little crime, but you need to make sure that the reason is worth the consequences. Do you get me?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker nods and presses his blobby fingers together. He feels oddly light headed and he knows he’ll have to make a <em>decision</em> soon and the thought terrifies him. The Coin wasn’t always nice to him but at least then he knew what he was and what he needed to do. He’s got no idea how normal people must deal with this…aimlessness.</p><p> </p><p>“Liquid Friend!” He hears and he snaps his head up to see the rest of SIBR headed towards them.</p><p> </p><p>“We were wondering where you were.” Says Batista with a sly smile and Parker blushes. “This lot are too nerdy for extended conversation.”</p><p> </p><p>The others laugh and then Bob looks over at Parker. “Hey do you wanna come out with us next week? We usually go get ice cream.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker stares at him and stares at him for a socially unacceptable amount of time. And then he nods enthusiastically and he jumps up a little on the tiptoes off his feet.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d love to!” Parker says and when SIBR go to ask him if he’s okay because he’s crying Zero just gives them a hard look and shakes her head and they drop it.</p><p> </p><p>“See you then Liquid Friend!” Zero says with a wink as they leave and once they’re out of sight Parker leans against the wall and cries.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey um…” Parker falters for a moment and then says. “Parker.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s dark in their room and quiet outside, the party long since trailed off to bed. Parker can hear Uncle shuffle round to face him, his face barely visible, tucked under the covers and illuminated only by faint moonlight.</p><p><br/>“Yeah?” Uncle breathes and then -“You haven’t called me that before.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker draws the covers up closer to his nose and stares into the darkness, lets it take him.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.” He whispers. “It was just kind of weird. Sorry for being selfish.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mind.” Uncle says across the void between their beds. “Uncle is good enough, I like it. But sometimes I miss being Parker.”</p><p> </p><p>He sounds very small and Parker can suddenly imagine Uncle with their curly brown hair and kind open face and big eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Uncle suits you.” Parker says. “But Parker is a good name too.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long silence.</p><p> </p><p>“What will happen? When we stop me getting percolated? What will happen to me?” He whispers it so quiet that Parker doesn’t even know if Uncle can hear. “Will I die? Will I remember this? Or will there just be two of me forever?”</p><p> </p><p>And then, even quieter, he says-</p><p> </p><p>“I’m scared.”</p><p> </p><p>And then over in the other bed Uncle says.</p><p> </p><p>“Me too.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker turns to look at Uncle, reaching his hand across in the dark. Uncle takes it and clutches it tight.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m still an idiot.” He says in a strange choking voice. “I thought the time travel thing would fix everything, and maybe it still will. But I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen to you. Not Parker IIII you but Liquid Friend you. I don’t <em>want</em> to lose you. I never really had any friends before.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker tightens his grip on Uncle’s hand and then let’s go, getting out of bed and standing next to Uncle’s.</p><p> </p><p>“Would this be okay?” Parker asks and he hears Parker III murmur a ‘yes’ so Parker lifts up the sheets and gets into the bed next to Parker III and looks over at him, the smoky figure strange and alien in the darkness.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Uncle says and he turns over and they lay there for a moment, together in the dark room.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.” Parker says. “That’s what best friends do.”</p><p> </p><p>Uncle laughs a little under his breath. “Goodnight Parker IIII.”</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight Parker III.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*    *   *</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s the day he’s going to get percolated and Parker feels sick. They’d spent the entirety of yesterday planning out what they were going to do and even though Parker knows that the plan should work he still feels terrible. They’re sitting in the stands waiting for the game to begin and Parker can see himself down there, swinging the bat around erratically. He wonders if his team will even win or if his near death really had all been for nothing.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay?” Uncle mutters and Parker looks around sheepishly.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” He says with a smile and Uncle grins.</p><p> </p><p>“Me neither.”</p><p> </p><p>The plan is almost suspiciously simple. Whilst brainstorming ways to get past Parker off the field Uncle had come up with the ingenious idea of pulling the fire alarm which would cause them to evacuate at which point Parker would trick himself into coming into a storage cupboard and lock him in there until the game finished. They’d thought about just doing the locking in thing but Uncle had figured that they might just delay the game until they found him again whereas if the whole ordeal happened mid game amidst a fire drill it would be easy to forget the Commissioner in the chaos.</p><p> </p><p>Electric Kettle gets placed on the mound (Parker has no idea how the thing even pitches) and Jessica Telephone steps up to bat. Parker can see himself vibrating excitedly on the field and he digs his fingers into his thighs trying hard not to think about the fact that he’s not entirely sure if he’ll exist after today. Maybe he’ll just wake up and he’ll be back in his body and he won’t have been percolated. But then what about Liquid Friend? He can’t just disappear. The more his brain runs through the possibilities the more Parker realises that the squid thing had probably known this would happen. He’d heard about what happened to Jaylen when The Garages had tried to make a deal with The Monitor. At least he isn’t going around killing people Parker thinks and puts his head in his hands so he doesn’t have to watch.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey you just got to second!” Uncle says and Parker just groans in response. He hates this so much. At least there’s SIBR ice cream to look forward too, Parker thinks and then remembers that actually if everything goes well he won’t be able to take them up on the offer and the thought makes Parker feel even worse.</p><p> </p><p>“Liquid Friend!” He hears Uncle shouting vaguely but he doesn’t really want to respond. “Hey Liquid Friend, <em>Parker</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker snaps his head up. “What.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s the fourth. We need to go.” Uncle looks up and down Parker, his brow crinkled in concern. “Look don’t worry about it the plan will work okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker just gets up and walks down the stands. The plan not working is absolutely the least of his worries. He’s so scared about what will happen if it <em>does</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh hey Liquid Friend!” A familiar voice calls and Parker looks up to see NaN waving from the other side of the stands. “Me, York and Lars are going blowling after the game! Do you wanna come?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker wants to throw up, he cannot listen to this right now. “I think I’ll be busy.” He says which is a funny way to say I might not exist or I might wake up in a different body or all manner of stupid things could happen to him. Him and Uncle should have stuck to desk work not this time travel business.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh okay no problem!” NaN replies sounding disappointed and Parker is struck by the fact that they genuinely wanted him to come. They’d only known Liquid Friend for a couple of days and yet he was being invited to blowling trips. Parkers never been blowling but he really really wants to.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow he makes it to the bottom of the stairs where the fire bell is located. He hastens a quick glance back at the pitch which looks way too close from down here and sees himself catching the ball and getting Margarito Nava out. They must be in the fifth. That’s two away from the seventh. Two innings till he ‘dies’ or something pretty close to it. He’s shaking, he realises distantly as Uncle finally catches up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Parker” Uncle says and Parker is so so grateful that he’s not doing this alone. “It’s okay. It’s easy, you just need to hit the bell.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker stares at the fire bell with alarming focus. It shouldn’t be hard to just move his hand up and press it, he thinks, but it is. It’s so hard. Parker thinks about doing a great job and starts to reach up his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Parker wait.” Uncle says, taking a deep breath and Parker stills. “Before you hit it and it all goes to hell I need to talk to you.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker doesn’t look at Uncle. He can’t.</p><p> </p><p>“I never had any friends before really. And I’m going to miss y-”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop.” Parker says firmly and Uncle gasps a little. “I can’t do this. I can’t press it.”</p><p> </p><p>He turns to look at Uncle whose eyes are wide in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t <em>want</em> to press it. SIBR invited me to get ice cream yesterday. <em>Me. </em>I thought that they would never be friends with me if I wasn’t the Commissioner but clearly I was wrong. I didn’t want to go back to my job I wanted to go back for them and now I know that I don’t even need to. The Coin’s scary. I don’t miss her. But Parker, I know I’ll miss you.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker III stiffens up and blinks his eyelids tight like he’s trying not to cry.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” He says. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>Parker nods. “Of course. You’re my best friend.”</p><p> </p><p>And then he wraps his arm around Uncle, clenching the back of his trench coat and it’s strange, because their bodies aren’t really meant for this but it works all the same. Parker feels Uncle freeze and then relax, hands coming up to embrace Parker.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think anyone’s ever hugged me before.” Uncle mutters into Parker’s ear. “It’s nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Parker grins and hugs tighter. “I don’t have any family, not really. But if I did I’d want them to be like you.”</p><p> </p><p>And Uncle grips tighter and so does Parker and he can feel the time ticking, hears the excitement of the crowd as Jessica Telephone hits a home run and he knows it’s coming. But he doesn’t really care. He can go find NaN after this and go blowling. He can take SIBR up on their offer next week. He can travel around the world with Parker III and never have to sit at another desk in his life if he doesn’t want to. He can let Parker IIIII do a great job. He can be free.</p><p> </p><p>And as they hug Parker sees the bright white light of the tractor bean and hears the gasps of the crowd as the Commissioner of Blaseball rises into the sky, his lips moving, and Parker knows what he’s saying even if he can’t hear it and then Parker disappears and Uncle still doesn’t let go of Liquid Friend as play continues. And somewhere in the deep recesses of space Parker is in horrible terrible pain but here, in the back of the stadium, Parker knows that it will get better. It already has.</p><p> </p><p>After a good long while Parker III lets go off Parker IIII and smiles at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey kid.” He says at the same time as Uncle Plasma does over in the Coffee Plane and back in the stadium, Parker grins at him because he gets what Uncle’s doing and so he smiles and both Parker IIII’s say-</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the end! thanks for experiencing the p4rker brain rot with me, kudos and comments always much appreciated. Thanks gang &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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